Getting the Love You Want
by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
The Imago theory: we unconsciously choose partners who resemble our caretakers in order to heal childhood wounds, and conflict is the opportunity to do so. The method centers on the intentional dialogue, mirror, validate, empathize, and a series of exercises. It has helped many couples for decades; the theory is a lens, not proven science.
Read it if…
you keep choosing or recreating the same relationship and want to understand why.
Skip it if…
you want a strictly evidence-based approach; see Gottman.
Three things you will actually use
- Mirror before you respond.
- See conflict as information about old wounds.
- Ask for what you need in specific, doable terms.
Do this first
Practice the dialogue once this week: mirror your partner's words exactly before responding.
Our verdict
Influential and useful; held as a lens.
Compare with other Relationships books
The Five Love Languages
Gary Chapman · Relationships
Simple and widely useful; take it as a tool.
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