Mating in Captivity
by Esther Perel
Perel's thesis that the modern couple asks one person to supply both security and excitement, and that desire needs distance, mystery and separateness which intimacy erodes. She is a therapist with case studies and a European frankness; the book changed the conversation.
Read it if…
you love your partner and have stopped wanting them, and want to know why.
Skip it if…
you want a sex manual; it is about the psychology of desire.
Three things you will actually use
- Love wants closeness; desire wants distance.
- Separateness is the precondition of attraction.
- Eroticism is imagination, not frequency.
Do this first
Read the chapter on 'the pitfalls of modern intimacy' and discuss one idea with your partner.
Our verdict
Why intimacy erodes desire.
Compare with other Relationships books
Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage
John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman and Joan DeClaire · Relationships
The method, on transcripts.
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