The Dance of Anger
by Harriet Lerner
Lerner's classic for women, useful to anyone, on anger as a signal rather than a problem: the patterns of pursuing, distancing, overfunctioning and underfunctioning, and how to change your steps in the dance rather than trying to change the other person. It is clear, family-systems-based and still unmatched on the subject.
Read it if…
you either explode or swallow anger and neither changes anything.
Skip it if…
you want anger management techniques; this is about relationship patterns.
Three things you will actually use
- Anger signals that something needs to change; use it.
- Change your steps; the dance must change.
- Expect countermoves when you shift.
Do this first
Identify one relationship where you overfunction and stop doing one thing the other person can do.
Our verdict
Classic and clarifying.
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