How to Take a Compliment Without Making It Weird
Someone once told me a class I’d taught had changed how she ran her business. I said something like “oh, I just went through the material.” She looked briefly disappointed and the conversation moved on. Later I realised what I’d done. She’d offered me something real, and I’d handed it back as if it were a mistake. It wasn’t modesty. It was a reflex, and it had been running my whole life.
What deflecting actually does
To the other person, it’s a small rejection. They’ve taken a risk by saying something sincere, and you’ve told them they were wrong. Do it enough and people stop offering, which you’ll experience as nobody appreciating you, without noticing you trained them.
To yourself, it’s worse. Every “it was nothing” is a vote that your work doesn’t count. Cast that vote a few thousand times and you’ll believe it, no matter what the evidence says. A lot of what gets called low confidence in capable people is just this reflex, compounded.
The two words
“Thank you.” That’s the whole technique. Not “thank you, but.” Not “thank you, although really it was the team.” Just thank you, and then let it sit there for a moment without rushing to fill the space. It feels unbearably arrogant the first few times. It isn’t. It’s what the other person was hoping for, and it’s what a secure person does.
If you must add something
Add specificity, not deflection. “Thank you. I worked hard on that section, so it means a lot that it landed.” Or turn it toward them: “Thank you. What was the part that stuck?” That extends the conversation instead of killing it, and often you learn something about what you actually did well, which is information worth having.
Crediting others has its place
If the work genuinely was a team effort, say so, but after the thank you, and as fact rather than as deflection. “Thank you. Sarah did the research; I’ll pass that on.” That’s generous. “Oh, it was really all Sarah” when it wasn’t is just deflection with someone else’s name on it, and Sarah knows.
Why it’s hard
Because somewhere most of us learned that accepting praise is boasting. It isn’t. Boasting is seeking praise. Accepting it is simply agreeing with a kind person’s accurate observation. The two have nothing to do with each other, and confusing them has cost a lot of competent people the ability to feel competent.
Practise on small ones
The next time someone says they like your shirt, say thank you and stop. No story about where it came from or how cheap it was. Just the two words. It’s a low-stakes rep for the moment someone tells you your work mattered, and you need the reps, because the reflex is strong.
What changed
People started telling me more about what my work did for them, because I’d stopped batting it away. And I started, slowly, believing it, which turned out to be the foundation under a lot of things I did afterward.
Next compliment
Thank you. Full stop. Let it land.
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